PROUD FLESH: A New Afrikan Journal of Culture, Politics & Consciousness (2003)
ISSN: 1094-2254
“Diary of a Black Girl Found”
| PROUD FLESH: A New Afrikan Journal of Culture, Politics & Consciousness (2003) ISSN: 1094-2254 “Diary of a Black Girl Found” |
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Tiffany N. McDonald
Abstract
This is the diary of an intelligent black girl in any urban ghetto in “America” today. She doesn’t have a name because she represents many young Black women today, millions. This diary chronicles some of her tales of trying to survive in a world where the life game is formulated for her to lose. She’s on a road to learn how to beat the game without losing herself with incorrect representations and dominant ideologies. She is in between the cross-fire of her harsh, drug-infested streets and images of Blacks who have supposedly “made it,” believing that with hard work anyone can make it “regardless of race.” Is this girl like an Elaine Brown who is an “African lost in America,” trying to be found, or will she become one of those New Age House Negresses who surface once they get some “education” and some money?
Dear Diary,
It’s another day I survived school and made it back home. As an 11th grader, I’m scared of what my future may hold. But if there is one thing I know is that I’m Black, which means I’m a life-long trained survivalist. So I know I’ll make it out of here.
I find school a travesty and a way to keep us Blacks in a state of ignorant bliss. We are only briefly taught about our Black heroes and role models in class. Our role in “American History” is boiled down to a few Black leaders and slavery in one chapter of an 800-page textbook. The true mis-education of the Negro is alive and well today in our public schools. It’s okay, though, because whatever they don’t teach me, I’ll teach myself. I picked up Malcolm X’s February 1965: The Final Speeches, and was delighted to read real history from the person who made it. My favorite speech was the one about the House Negroes and Field Negroes. Reading his descriptions of them today showed me how these House Negroes are some of the main ones misrepresenting us in the media as happy people who have come such a long way. He showed that these Black people were just mere puppets, carrying out the white racist agenda with a Black face. Everyday you learn something new, huh?
Dear Diary,
Today was a rough day. Sometimes I think, why do I have to live like this? Why do I have to live in the ’hood and live the life a sociological case study? Everyday its gun shots, guys on the corner selling drugs, getting locked up, not having any real education and constantly disrespecting women. I feel like I need to do something but I don’t have any resources or power. What am I supposed to do? Well, I figured out what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna find more books about people just like me and try to make a difference.
Dear Diary,
I just read Assata Shakur’s autobiography and now I know that being black and living in America is almost an oxymoron. How can you sustain life when every time you try to progress the government tries to retaliate? COINTELPRO, a state-sponsored and government-run operation designed to dismantle the Black movement and prevent the rise of a powerful Black leader. Its purpose was specifically outlined to keep Blacks from uniting by destroying our organizations. This shows us that we really do not have any power in the United States.
How can we exist when the tax dollars we pay are supporting the police officers that are killing our people? How can you live in a society when being Black, your own existence, is criminalized? I’ve read a guy named Robert F. Williams: “It is a universally known fact that the power structure of the racist USA is rabidly opposed to self-defense on the part of our oppressed people.” I know that anything worth having is worth fighting for but, damn, Black folk been fightin’ for over 400 years. When does it end?
I also read a piece by Assata’s comrade in the revolution, Huey P. Newton, one of the co-founders of the Black Panther Party. I see everyday the suffering of my people that he describes as reactionary suicide: “…a spiritual death that has been the experience of millions of Black people in the United States.” This death is the worse kind of death. It’s the living dead. It’s a life where you give into the world that’s running a game on you. It’s the life of the House Negroes who accept the crap the establishment gives to them and work towards its goals. I don’t want to become one of the new House Negroes, I’m going to assault the establishment.
Dear Diary,
By the grace of God, I’m still here. I know I haven’t written in a while. It’s my senior year of high school now and I haven’t become a statistic. I’m not pregnant, I’m not a high school drop-out, I’m not selling my body. So far I’ve been winning the game. I just hope when I get to college I don’t lose myself and forget where I came from. There is nothing worse than a Field Negro that has turned into a House Negro. I live in a field of nightmares and pain and no matter how far I get in life, I can never forget that.
Dear Diary,
Well, it is time to take the SAT’s. I guess this is supposed to prove how well I’ll do in college. Shoot, living where I live is a life test in itself. If you can make it through here, then you can make it anywhere. Try and see if you can condense into a book how to break the system and survive the ’hood. Let’s see who’s more intelligent then. Anyone can memorize things. My test is more real.
Dear Diary,
I’ve continued to read the ideas of the Black Panther Party and none of their ideas were “radical,” in any “bad” sense. All they wanted was the right of their black people to sustain a decent life. Why does it have to be such a fight to have shelter, protection, education, employment, an end of police brutality, etc. Just think how much better we all would be if this occurred. I know for a fact if these things were negated in my neighborhood, it would be a much better place, a place of hope rather than a future cemetery of dreams deferred.
I also read a piece by Erica Huggins, called “Erica’s Poem.” She talked about the glory the new world would have after the revolution. She talked about a spirit striking out which is counter to the dead spirit I previously read about. This is the spirit I want to be. I don’t want to be the one accepting these horrendous practices and ideas that are trying to construct my downfall. She said, “We must change this dawning of the age of permanent darkness.” We, as Black people, must resist the easy way of just conforming to the dominant ideals and ideologies that are keeping us in a sinister state of mind. I feel my generation thinks the struggle is over. It’s nowhere near over. Where are our Black leaders of today? We already know the government is against the rise of any Black leaders unless these “leaders” promote its own agenda. The Black folks that we look up to today aren’t about anything. All they try to do is get out of where they’re from and never look back. This is a true definition of a sell-out, which so many of the Black faces we see in the media have become. If we aren’t portrayed as these new House Negroes in the media, then we are criminalized and made a show.
Dear Diary,
I got scolded at school today for not pledging allegiance to the flag. I told them I would pledge allegiance to the flag of Africans lost here in America, the red, black and green one, but no stars and stripes. I’m sorry, I cannot honestly pledge allegiance to a flag that is supposed to represent liberty and justice for all. I can’t do that when my people constantly have their liberties restrained and there is justice only if you are white. How many more of my friends and neighbors have to go to jail based on the injustices of whites on Blacks? I will also never utter the words to “The Star-Spangled Banner” again. Singin’ a song talkin’ about some “land of the free” and “home of the brave.” I don’t know who they were directing that song to but sure as hell wasn’t me, ’cause I know I ain’t nuttin’ but a neo-slave with no freedom. They got one part right though: Black people had to be brave to survive in this country. I know that because they’ve been trying to kill us for over 400 years and, yet, we’re still here. Black people are the strongest people ever in history to survive the pain and suffering we went through and which continues today. If I’m going to make a change I must do it now and it means cutting off all ties with practices that hinder the progress of my people.
Dear Diary,
Oh, guess who got into college? Yup, me! Man, I am so excited!!! In the words of the rapper Eve: “It’s all good now, we out da’ hood’ now.” I can’t wait to get out of here and see how normal people live. I got accepted into Syracuse University and was really stunned by all their talk about diversity. It should be interesting to be by folks that have something going for them. I don’t know what’s wrong with my people. It’s like it doesn’t matter what opportunities are available to them. They choose to stay in this horrific predicament. Why don’t they take responsibility for their actions and stop blaming “The Man” for their problems?
Dear Diary,
I’m here at Syracuse and I’m majoring in Business and Marketing. I’ve learned that with hard work and a degree it doesn’t matter what color you are because the only color the business world is interested in is green. We have Black millionaires with their successful business ventures like Oprah Winfrey and Michael Jordan. Skin color never hindered them and people of all races applaud their accomplishments. I hope that one day I’ll be able to start my own business and make a lot of money.
Dear Diary,
I’m starting to feel that the Black students on campus are too militant. I mean, what are they complaining about? They’re here at this wonderful university and they have a chance to be successful, too. Don’t they see that they are part of a Black Renaissance? There are more Blacks with more money and businesses than there ever was. I’m always seeing an article commending the progress of Blacks and how their college graduation rates are rising, so I don’t understand why they are so angry? Isn’t this what we wanted, hasn’t change occurred? I mean we can even look at the government and see Blacks who have power and influence. Look at Colin Powell and Clarence Thomas, they have been able to make it and skin color had nothing to do with it. I’ve noticed a lot of Black people do not care for them. Shouldn’t we be happy for their progress instead of criticizing them? Don’t we want them in our government?
Dear Diary,
I almost forgot I had this journal! It’s been a few years, huh? Well, I graduated from college and realized I became everything I swore I wouldn’t. I forgot that I was still an African lost in America and despite my “education” I still must work twice as hard to get ahead. I read over what I wrote. I had become a “New Age House Negress.” I mean, I had really come to believe that Oprah and Clarence Thomas represented the progress of Black people! If Huey Freeman from The Boondocks could see me, he’d call me a “ Boot-Licking Uncle Tom” and rightfully so. These white folks truly had me fooled and almost convinced me to carry out their white agenda. But a movie and a book brought me back to reality.
I read Elaine Brown’s book, The Condemnation of Little B, and saw all the injustices that pre-convict many of our Black youth just as they might have done with me. I know where these kids are coming from and I know that the Black voice is not being heard, is being constantly mis-represented. I know Oprah is not talking about issues that affect Black folk and that Clarence Thomas is nothing more than white man trapped in a Black man’s body. I know that Colin Powell is sending out Black men to kill other oppressed colored people on behalf of the white establishment. Goodness gracious, I was that living-dead spirit, I was that token black, I forgot where I came from and all the pain and suffering of my people!
I also saw the movie Sankofa and I saw myself in that model who was so blind to her Black identity. She couldn’t even relate to her own people, which is what I saw happen to me. I was lost in the white man’s world, not knowing that I would never be able to infiltrate. I forgot that no matter how much power I get, they are still control of my life and I can lose everything at the drop of their dime. I realized that I’m still part of neo-slavery and if I don’t do anything to help my people, no one will.
This journal was found, charred around the edges, in the remnants of its
author’s house which mysteriously burned down. She moved back to the ’hood
and, with her insurance money, invested in the lives of homeless single mothers.
She uses her talents to help assault the establishment and to re-educate her
people, the struggling Black community, as in all Blacks in “America.”
Brown, Elaine. The Condemnation of Little B. Boston: Beacon Press, 2002.
Gerima, Haile. Sankofa. Mypheduh Films, 1993.
Huggins, Erica. “Erica’s Poem.” The Black Panthers Speak. Ed. Philip S. Foner. Da Capo Press, 1995.
Mcgruder, Aaron. The Boondocks: Because I Know You Don’t Read the Newspapers. Kansas City: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2000.
Newton, Huey P. Revolutionary Suicide. New York: Writers and Readers Publishing, 1995.
Shakur, Assata. Assata. Chicago: Lawrence Hill Books, 1987.
Williams, Robert F. “For Effective Self-Defense.” Ed. August Meier et al. Black Protest Thought in the 20th Century. Indianapolis and New York: Bobbs-Merrill Co., 1965.
X, Malcolm. February 1965: The Final Speeches. New York: Pathfinder, 1992.
© 2003 Africa Resource Center, Inc.